I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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