return my video game
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
cat food counts as protein by the way
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
