its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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