Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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