what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
