Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
