i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
