I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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