i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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