Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
