I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He felt like a one man threesome
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
