Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
