Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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