Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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