took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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