broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
