you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
