So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
