mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
