The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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