my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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