They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
