I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
