I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
