remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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