so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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