I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
