I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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