8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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