Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
