My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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