what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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