Betty ford says i'm here all night
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
