Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
