i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
