clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
