Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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