I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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