My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Sext me about skeletons
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
