I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
