Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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