Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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