My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
