So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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