Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
