Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
