Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
