My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
