Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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