My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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