she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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