I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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