Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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