Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
