if you like me you must not know who I am
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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