I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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