We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
