I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
