im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
